


You can be whatever you want to be

by CookieFan1998



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Court, Fix season 3 ending, Fix season 4, Fix-It, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, I just want Monty and Winston to be happy, Justice, M/M, Redemption, Swearing, monty is alive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:27:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24633070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CookieFan1998/pseuds/CookieFan1998
Summary: What would happen, if Monty wouldn't die?This is my way of thinking what should've gone differently, so it starts at homecoming and what happened after.Just this time, some things don't happen and some things happen.This fic is canon compliant, so it's nothing major (except for Monty)
Relationships: Montgomery de la Cruz/Winston Williams
Comments: 108
Kudos: 225





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!  
> This is the first fanfic I wrote for this fandom and the first I wrote in english.  
> I'm a little nervous about that, but I hope it's fine. 
> 
> This is going to be Multi Chapter, probably like 10 or so, so I really hope you enjoy.
> 
> The first chapter contains much of the dialogue in the series, so thats not mine, but this will change with the next chapters.

# Chapter 1

Homecoming. Monty liked the Homecoming game. It just felt like something important also the audience was way bigger. It was just special.  
The only thing that darkened his mood was Bryce. It was actually rather weird that he, of all people, was uncomfortable with Bryces presence at the game, given the fact that they used to be best friends but after Bryces little speech in the locker room, Monty wasn’t sure if they were even friends at all. He actually doubted it. 

Needless to say that he took his anger and fear on the field and eventually into the game which resulted in a ridiculous battle of hits and tackles between him and Bryce and some bad slurs that they didn’t really mean. 

Maybe they should talk after the game, Monty thought, when he saw something weird. Some lanky guy with a camera seemed to take photos of him. Probably someone from the Hillcrest yearbook, thought Monty and wondered what was going on for a second, when the guy lowered his camera and revealed his face. 

Oh shit.  
Of course Monty recognized the guy on the spot even though he was like thirty meters away.  
Winston Williams.  
He looked good, Monty thought, but that wasn’t exactly news to him. What was news though was the sudden heat that crept its way to his cheeks and Monty couldn’t keep his eyes off of Winston. He straightened his jersey, took one final look at Winston and ran back to his teammates. The heat on his cheeks not going away, but it was probably because he had been running and hitting and tackeling for the past hour, that can be exhausting. 

*~*

After that disaster of a football game, stupid Jessica and her stupid club, Monty showered and got dressed in a rush, so he would catch Bryce and could talk to him.  
He was lucky and the guys from Hillcrest were just getting in that obnoxiously fancy bus and Bryce was the last one in line. 

“Walker!”, he shouted and took some steps closer to the bus. The other guys either didn’t hear him or didn’t care about him to even turn around. Probably the latter since they were probably exhausted. 

“What’s up Monty?”, Bryce asked and Monty could definitely hear the change in his voice. He sounded cold and closed up and nothing like the best friend he knew for years and trusted with almost everything. 

“What the fuck are you trying to prove?”, asked Monty angrily.  
Seriously, what is Bryce thinking? That he is now better than him?  
Yeah, they most definitely weren’t even friends anymore. 

“I’m trying to prove that I’m worth something in this world.”, Bryce shrugged. He sounded sad but still closed up.  
“You should try it.”, he added.  
What was that supposed to mean?  
You are worth something, Monty wanted to say but they weren’t friends anymore and Monty most definitely didn’t want to have that conversation right now. 

Bryce made a move to leave, turned around again and shrugged a “I gotta go”, before turning around and moving closer to the door of the stupid Hillcrest bus. 

“I will take you out.”, shouted Monty and regretted it as soon as he said it out loud. That was an other thing he said and didn’t mean that night. 

Finally, Bryce turned around and faced Monty with the same cold expression he had all evening long.  
“No you won’t.”, he said emotionless. Maybe he understood that Monty didn’t mean what he just said. He had to. He knew him. He knew he did things he wasn’t proud of and regretted when he got angry.  
“’Cause you’re just a coward, you always have been.”, said Bryce and climbed into the Hillcrest bus and closed the door immediately after him. 

Coward. That hit a little too close to home.  
He wasn’t a coward. Cowards wouldn’t take hits from their fathers so their little sisters wouldn’t get hit. Cowards wouldn’t have done all those things he did for Bryce that he had done.  
But cowards would hide their true selves, so maybe he was a coward.  
He didn’t want Bryce to be right but maybe he was. Or Bryce also didn’t mean what he said. 

*~*

Monty watched the bus drive away and was about to head back inside to find Charlie and the other players to go to the party, when he heard clicking. Camera clicking.  
He immediately turned to the noise, only to see Winston, leaning against an expensive looking, blue car and photographing the leaving school bus. 

“The fuck are you doing here?”, he asked while walking closer to Winston and his car.

Winston immediately stood straight up and left his camera hanging on his neck.  
“Yearbook.”, he said and patted on his pockets as if he was looking for something.  
He looked scared, Monty thought. Scared and uncomfortable. Nothing like the Winston he met at that party in that room with all the records.  
“I’m in yearbook.”, he added and seemed to have found what he was looking for in his pockets. He fumbled some keys in his hand and avoided eyecontact and he still looked scared and somewhat begging and turned around a little. His straight posture fell with every step Monty took closer to him.  
“I was just … I’m going.”  
Winston looked Monty in the eye and the fear in his eyes in combination with his scared posture and hectic behavior was making Monty feel sick.  
He didn’t want to make Winston feel scared and unsafe around him, but that was exactly what he did, he thought and stopped his steps. 

“Hey. Hey … I ain’t gonna do anything.”, he said while trying to sound calm and nice for once.  
It seemed to have worked since Winston turned his face around to look into Montys eyes. He still looked a little scared but way less than before.  
The kicked puppy look gave Monty weak knees even though he would never admit to something like that.  
“I gotta go.”

Now or never, Monty thought. When will he ever have the opportunity to actually apologize to him again? Probably never.  
“Listen, man. I’m sorry about last summer.”, Monty said and after he said it, he felt just how much he needed that. Closure, positivity, admitting his mistakes. He felt relieved.  
Winston didn’t say anything, he just listened with a curious look on his face.  
“I was drunk, and really fucked up.”  
That wasn’t an excuse but Monty felt like he had to tell Winston that it was not about him. And it was the truth. He was literally shitfaced, so shitfaced that he was surprised he could actually aim his hits. And the fucked up thing wasn’t exactly a lie either. His life was the definition of fucked up but he didn’t want to get into the details in a parking lot. Or ever. 

Winston still looked at him like a kicked puppy but at least the scared look on his face was gone for good. Now he looked rather sad.  
“It’s fine.”, he said but they both knew that it was not fine.  
Winston half smirked sadly and added: “I mean, whatever.”  
Winston smiled a sad half-smile and Monty got it. This wasn’t something words could immediately fix, he should know. 

“You…”  
Monty took a few steps forward to Winston and saw that he didn’t flinch or showed any sign of fear like before. It wasn’t out of the world but at least it was something.  
“… seem like a good guy.”  
Better that I ever will be, he added in his head and tried to ignore the feeling in his stomach and his weak knees. 

Something in Winston seemed to have clicked and he smiled a real smile and his happy eyes made Montys stomach flutter.  
What was this? The fucking flu?  
“Uhm … you want …”  
Winston stopped for a second and looked begging again. Like he wasn’t sure if what he was about to say was a good idea.  
“My parents are gone all weekend…”, he finally added after he swallowed heavily.  
“… if you want to hang out?”

Montys face looked probably pretty funny for a few seconds, when he realized what Winston was implying. Did he seriously just invite him over to ‘hang’?  
That was definitely unexpected.  
“I … I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable or something.”, Monty said and regretted it immediately after. Of course he wanted to spend time with Winston, screamed his heart but it wasn’t that easy. Not with their history.  
“But of course I wanna, it’s just …”, he stuttered, not sure what to say. 

Winston shrugged.  
“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to.”  
He smiled. 

Right. That made sense.  
Monty nodded.

“Are you coming? It’s getting kind of cold so …”  
Winston pointed vaguely at his car and unlocked it with his electronic key. 

Monty nodded again and put his bag into the surprisingly big trunk of Winstons car and sat shotgun while Winston started the car and turned the heat on and rubbed his hands.  
Monty had to use all of his strength not to reach over and grab Winstons hands to warm them up. That was probably too early. 

*~*

Winston drove faster than Monty had expected but when he learned one thing about Winston tonight than that he is full of surprises. 

“Is this your car?”, Monty asked as he touched the elegant leather and looked over the high tech console and the Audi sign. 

Winston nodded as he drove through a huge gate which revealed an even huger house. Mansion would’ve been a more fitting word, he thought as he climbed out of the sportscar and followed Winston into the house. 

“Yeah, I got it for my sixteenth birthday.”

“Right.”  
This wasn’t Montys world. At all.  
In his world, kids don’t get 100.000$ cars to their sixteenth birthday or wear a golden Rolex.  
This was getting really awkward and Monty started to feel small and insecure. Why did he agree to coming home with Winston again?

Winston could sense the tension as well, since he coughed and chuckled quietly.  
“You want something? Water or so?”

“I could actually really use some water.”, Monty said after a moment of consideration. What was he supposed to say? Was yes the impolite answer or was it no?  
But he was actually really thirsty, so he didn’t care anymore. 

“Sure, I’ll get it.”, he said and grabbed two bottles of water and gave Monty two glasses to bring to his room as well. 

*~*

Winstons room was as big as expected but it wasn’t tidy, which surprised Monty. Bryces room was always neat and clean, the maid made sure of it.  
This room wasn’t messy but it was messy enough for Monty not to feel like an intruder. It felt homy and lived in. 

“I like your room.”, said Monty after he gently placed his empty glass on the nightstand and looked around again.  
Of course, there was a flatscreen, two different gaming consoles, dozens of games, an iPad and the newest MacBook but it didn’t look uncomfortably braggy. 

“Thanks.”  
Winston smiled and sat down on the bed and patted on the free space next to him  
Monty hesitated a few seconds but then sat down next to Winston. A shivering Winston. 

“Are you okay?”

Winston nodded. “I’m just still a little cold. I just stood outside for many hours.”

Monty chuckled and with a quick movement, he gently grabbed Winstons hands and rubbed them lightly. He nearly shivered himself by the temperature of Winstons hands but it got better and better.  
After a while, Monty stopped rubbing the hands and started to take a closer look.  
He didn’t know why, but it surprised him that they were just that. Just normal man hands.  
Maybe he was normal too. 

When Winston started to caress his cheek, Monty flinched a little. He didn’t expect such a nice and gentle touching and he could feel tears burning in his eyes.  
How could he beat up such a nice person? 

To avoid any tears, Monty closed his eyes and gently kissed Winston on the mouth.  
How he had missed that feeling. They just clicked and Monty loved that Winston just tasted like Winston. 

Monty released himself from the kiss to catch his breath.  
“Is this okay?”, he asked. 

Winston nodded. “More than okay.”  
He gently pulled Monty into a deeper kiss. A kiss Monty lost himself in. 

*~*  
“Holy shit!”  
This wasn’t eloquent or anything but there was no description of what he was feeling in this moment, that was more accurate.  
He used to think, jerking off in front of the computer with gay porn on was good, this was a whole new level of good.  
There was just one problem: there was no denying that he was definitely into guys. And only into guys, the few times with girls have been awkward and definitely not satisfying. 

“Are you gonna beat the shit out of me now?”

What? Montys heart skipped a beat and he felt like throwing up.

“I said I was sorry.”  
That didn’t make it better, at least not in his nervous stomach. 

But Winston chuckled. He actually chuckled. What was that about?  
“I know, I was just making a joke.”

It wasn’t funny, at least not to Monty but wasn’t that kind of a good sign? Could that mean that he didn’t actually fuck up forever? 

“I’ll give you a ride somewhere if you don’t want to uber.”  
With that, Montys heart dropped again. It was obvious that Winston didn’t want him here anymore. Just like everyone else in his life. No wonder he had been sleeping at Bryces or Charlies more times that he can remember. 

“Are you trying to kick me out?”  
Monty hoped he could sound strong but he knew he couldn’t. Not right now after he had good sex for the first time. After he kissed someone who kissed him back. Someone who caressed him and touched him more gently than anyone else ever had. 

But Winston smiled at him, his eyes only focused on Montys.  
“No, I just figured you’d want to go.”

That was actually very considerate, Monty thought. Or Winston had learned his lesson and didn’t want to get beaten up again.  
But he definitely did not want to go. 

“Well maybe I want to stay and do that again.”, Monty said and gave Winston an obvious once-over. Definitely just to tell Winston what he meant by that and not because he wanted to check out those amazing abs he definitely hadn’t expected or anything. Or his arms. 

Winston chuckled and smiled in his face. He looked beautiful when he did that.  
“Yeah? Okay.”  
He smiled even more and maybe there was a tiny hint of a blush on his cheeks but it was okay since Monty was sure he had a little heat on his face as well.  
It was hot in this room, after all, and he had just done some exhausting activities. Sex could count as a work out after all.  
But he was not blushing. Only fags blush and he was definitely not a fag. 

“I’m not fucking gay.”  
He wasn’t. He just wasn’t. Right?  
What he didn’t expect was Winstons reaction. 

“Okay.”  
Okay? Nothing was okay. How could Winston be so calm about this?  
“Cool.”  
Cool? What the actual fuck? 

“You can be whatever you want to be.”

Monty felt his eyes burning and now he felt like he should’ve left when Winston offered to give him a ride. Or not go home with Winston in the first place.  
Even if he really knew what or who he was, there was no way in fucking hell he could be that. Whatever that even meant.  
He forced a little smile on his face, just so he wouldn’t lose control of his burning, wet eyes and shook his head. 

“No. I can’t.”

It was true. He couldn’t.  
If his father would find out that he was just lying in bed with a guy, naked, he would probably beat him to death. After making sure he knew what an abomination he was to the family and the world. He also couldn’t go to his friends, they would probably ignore him, if not beat him up first just for existing. Not unlike him, he thought and automatically closed his eyes. 

Don’t cry, don’t cry.  
Don’t be a fag, don’t cry, don’t be a weak faggot, don’t cry…

One tear wasn’t crying, right?

Don’t be a fucking faggot, don’t cry, don’t- 

“Hey, look at me.”  
Monty could feel Winstons hand on his cheek and turned his head just to look into Winstons concerned looking, beautiful face.  
“You really can. You don’t have to tell anyone at first, if you don’t want to. Or ever. But you could.”

“I don’t know about that. Isn’t that the whole point of being gay?”

Winston chuckled and took his hand and move his thumb gently over his knuckles.  
“I don’t think so. I mean, I am gay but I’m not about screaming it out of the top of my lungs or something. Except for when I’m at pride but whatever.”

“But what is it then? The point of being …”

“Gay?”, offered Winston and Monty nodded.  
“I don’t know. Being happy and doing what feels right, maybe. It is for me at least.”

Monty nodded. That made sense.  
He wasn’t gay though. He couldn’t be.  
“Yeah.”

Winston smiled and caressed Montys cheek again.  
“You could be in here. My room.”

“What?”

“Be … whatever you want.”, Winston offered, carefully avoiding the word gay. Probably for the better. 

Monty considered it for a second.  
“Yeah, sure.”, he finally said. 

Winston smiled. “Cool.”, he added and leaned closer to Monty until their lips connected. 

This felt great. Too great to be gay.  
When he felt Winstons tongue on his lips, he stopped caring.  
Maybe this was okay, just for a second.  
Maybe he everything would be okay.  
Maybe being … gay … was okay after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I'm really glad you liked the first chapter, that really motivated me to write so thank you!
> 
> Again: I'm not an english native speaker so if I do something wrong, just tell me:) 
> 
> Have fun!
> 
> Trigger warning: Mention of Abuse (nothing too graphic)

# Chapter 2

In the morning, Monty really had no idea where he was at first. But he didn’t really care. The mattress was soft, the sheets smelled good and freshly washed and the warm body he was spooning felt great.   
He closed his eyes again and pressed his body closer against the one next to him, clearly realizing and feeling his arousal but too lazy to care about it.   
The body yawned and found Montys hand to squeeze it. 

“Good morning”, a deep voice said and Monty finally opened his eyes again.   
Right, this was apparently not a dream.   
He really was laying in bed with a guy, holding hands with that guy and having an erection pressed against said guy.   
Oh no, that was not good. 

“Jeez, sorry.”, Monty said and immediately moved away from Winston, so their bodies weren’t touching anymore.   
“It’s not like … I’m not … I mean, just a morning problem?”, he stuttered and looked away. Even the fucking ceiling in this fucking mansion looked nice.  
Fuck this shit. 

“Hey, dude. It’s cool. And it’s not like I didn’t like your body next to mine, so just relax.”  
Monty looked back to Winston and – oh shit – was that what he thought it was?   
Apparently it was since Winston saw what he was looking at, even though it was under the covers, and just shrugged while smiling his beautiful smile.   
Yeah, maybe it wasn’t that bad after all. 

“Good morning.”, he said and smiled a little.   
Winston nodded and leaned forward to give Monty a light peck on his lips. 

“What do you think about breakfast?”  
Montys stomach grumbled before he could even open his mouth. 

“I’m going to take that as a yes.”, Winston laughed and stood up and went to his walk-in closet because of course he has a walk-in closet.   
Right, they were naked, Monty realized when he tried, and failed, to look away from Winston.   
Winston on the other hand seemed not to care at all. He came back, wearing just some grey sweatpants with an Armani-logo. In his hands another pair of sweatpants and a boxerbrief. 

“I hope those fit, I’ll be in the bathroom for a few minutes.”

Monty nodded and looked at the pile of clothes. They looked similar to the ones Monty owned and they fit surprisingly well.   
He stood up and looked into the mirror.   
He looked normal. Like nothing had changed. Like he didn’t just have sex with a guy and even implied that he liked guys. Hell, he even let Winston take some cute kiss and cuddle selfies of them that Monty pretended to hate but secretly … not exactly hated.   
It had felt good if he was really honest, not just that but the cuddling and just laying there, pretending to watch a movie while actually just enjoying being next to each other and share some slight touches. And kisses.   
What was wrong with him? This wasn’t supposed to feel that good. This was wrong, he wasn’t a fag. He didn’t want to be a fucking faggot.   
He couldn’t be. 

Why did he have to be the one to be different?   
*~*

“Are you okay?”

Monty turned his head to the voice, only to see that Winston stood right by his side and looked into the mirror.   
Monty followed his gaze.   
They looked good together. Good but not natural. He felt weird to see himself shirtless, next to a guy, also shirtless, standing closer than necessary. 

“I don’t know.”

He really didn’t and his head hurt from thinking about it. He didn’t want to have to think about it anymore. Why was this so hard? Why was he so weak?   
“Why me?”

Winston sighted and through the mirror, Monty could see the sad look in his eyes he never wished to see again. He took Montys hand in his and pressed a light kiss on his knuckles.   
“I don’t know.”

Monty nodded. Right. 

“But it’s okay. You’re okay the way you are.”

Monty snorted. Not that again. It wasn’t okay.  
“I don’t think so.”

“You will, one day. I’m sure.”  
Winston smiled and just stared into the mirror.   
Monty didn’t know what to say.   
There was definitely a maybe that wanted out but he didn’t know if he could say it. So he decided to squeeze Winstons hand gently.   
It wasn’t much and it really shouldn’t mean anything but it did.   
Maybe it was okay.   
Maybe he was okay. 

*~*

Back home, Monty felt like the whole world clashed.   
His dad was already nursing a beer and by the looks of it, it couldn’t be his first, his mother was at work and Estela nowhere to be seen. She was clever.   
He never really said it out loud but he hated his home and if it wasn’t for Estela and his mom, he would’ve already ran away and never looked back. 

He barely listened to his dads rant about where he had been and how inappropriate it was for guys to sleep at an other guys house. Monty already knew what he was going to say, he said stuff like that all the time. 

His phone vibrated.

**Winston:**  
I hope you got home save.  
W xx

Monty smiled.   
Winston had asked him for his number while eating pancakes for breakfast and Monty gave it to him without a second thought and ultimately without assuming to ever hear from him again but he was glad he was wrong for once. 

**Monty to Winston:**  
Yeah, thanks. Xx

“Who this?”  
Monty looked into his fathers strict face. Please don’t go after me, he thought, not today. Or ever but that was unrealistic. 

“Just Charlie. Something school-related.”, Monty lied. He was a very good liar. Maybe too good. Sometimes he just wished someone could see behind his mask and just see him. Help him. Be there for him. 

“Pf, that Charlie guy’s not a man.”

“Whatever.”  
There was no point in talking to his father when drunk. Or angry. Or both.   
He honestly couldn’t remember his father being an actual father figure to him. 

His dad snorted again and looked back to the tv in front of him. 

This was actually the biggest event of the weekend, besides the night at Winstons.   
He texted a little back and forth with Charlie, went out jogging with Diego and watched some lame ass TV show with Estela so they wouldn’t have to listen to their father screaming at their mother.   
Just a normal weekend. 

*~*

“Booya, Monty. You look worse than I thought.”  
Luke. A nice guy, a little dumb but not bad or anything. 

“Shut up, Holiday. At least I look good from time to time.”

“I get more girls than you do, so shut your mouth.”  
True, but it wasn’t like Monty wanted to get girls so there goes that. 

“Just because I let you have them, so you should actually thank me.”  
Not entirely true but he makes an amazing wingman. 

“Haha, fuck you. Gotta go to class, catch you later.”

“Sure.”, Monty shouted at Lukes back. 

Just a normal Monday.   
Charlie got a little suspicious why Monty wasn’t at his party but he was probably just mad that he didn’t show up so Monty just made something up and Charlie seemed to be satisfied. He even agreed to confirm that he was at that party.   
The most interesting thing was the arrest of that weird Clay Jensen kid that was like in love with Hannah Baker or some shit, but Monty couldn’t actually care less.   
Bryces mom apparently reported him missing but he was probably just drunk somewhere or fucking some chick so Monty didn’t thought about it anymore. Why would he care? Bryce didn’t even text him once this weekend so he obviously didn’t care, why should Monty care then?   
Zach and Heroin-Justin seemed to shit their pants about that but that was just overreacting, right?

*~*

He layed in bed and was just about to text Winston something, he wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to text, he just knew that he did, when his dad stormed into his room.   
Right. The Monday hits.   
Usually Mondays were the worst. His dad hits the hardest on Mondays. Maybe because he got all weekend to grow strength and sees on Monday, the first day of the week, how fucked his life has gotten.   
Monty didn’t know and he didn’t care either. He just wanted it to stop. 

After the third or forth hit, the doorbell ran. Maybe someone finally called the cops to arrest his father. Maybe someone finally helped and noticed him. 

In hindsight, it was stupid to even hope for something like this. No one ever cared about his father beating him, even the teachers looked away. And that stupid Deputy Standall, Alex Standalls father or something. 

After four hours of interrogation about Bryce and his whereabouts the night of the Homecoming Game, luckily Charlie agreed to be his alibi, and why he transferred schools, he fell into his bed exhausted.   
His father passed out on the couch, so no hits today. That was something. 

*~*

Monty woke up with a headache worse than the one after the night he beat up Winston and that is saying something.   
He didn’t know why he was so angry but he just was.   
Angry at his Mom for not leaving his dad, angry at stupid Zack for being team captain, angry at stupid Clay Jensen and that annoying Ani-Girl for hanging out in the weightroom and most importantly angry at himself.   
For not texting Winston, for skipping coffee, for being himself.   
And exceptionally angry at Tyler Down. Just for existing and walking his way. He wanted to be alone. Just alone and not getting creepily watched at by stupid Tyler.   
So he lashed out. Again. 

“What the fuck did you do?”, Monty shouted and slammed Tyler against the stairs. That had probably hurt but he didn’t care. No one cared about him so why should he care?

“Nothing.”  
Yeah, like Monty was going to believe that. He probably told that stupid Deputy everything.   
“What do you mean?”, Tyler stammered and looked scared. Like he would actually kill him right on the spot. 

“Guess where I spent four hours last night?”  
Tyler looked confused. Damn good acting. As if he didn’t have something to do with this arrest. Or questioning, or whatever Standall called it.   
“The Sherriff station.”  
Though Tyler seemed to know nothing about that and the questioning for Monty what went on in school before Bryces transfer.   
But again, great acting.   
“What’d you tell him?”, he asked again. 

“I swear, nothing.”, Tyler said, his voice cracking as if he was close to actual crying.   
Maybe he was telling the truth after all.   
But he was stupid Tyler, of course he was lying.

“Good.”, Monty started and could feel his insights clenching together.   
“’cause I’d hate to have to teach you the same lesson twice.”, he whispered into Tylers ear, so he wouldn’t see him flinch. 

Monty didn’t know how he managed to get to the bathroom before throwing up but he did.   
What had he done?   
This wasn’t right, what was he thinking?   
He should’ve apologized instead of threatening him, he thought and threw up once more.   
Jeez, how exactly did his life get so fucked up?  
Was there even a way to fix it?  
Monty doubted it and stupid Alex threatening him with a fucking knife in his hands didn’t make it any better.   
Maybe he should’ve stopped with the fag jokes but then everyone would know.   
And that was definitely not an option. At all. 

*~*  
“So, how was your day?”, Winston asked, holding his hand while sitting on his bed. 

Monty was glad, Winston had asked him to come over, though he probably never would admit it. He liked the warmth that Winston made him feel and he liked talking to him.   
But what was he supposed to tell him?   
That he threatened to assault Tyler? That he vomited in the bathroom for half an hour after that? That stupid Alex threatened to kill him with that fucking knife and went full psycho on him? 

“I don’t know. Practice was great though. Talked to Charlie about some shit and coach wanted ME on the return team.”, he said vaguely but truthfully.   
“How about your day?”

“Nothing special. I looked through the photos of the game though. You look good in those.”  
Winston smiled, at least Monty thought he did. This was the way his voice sounded when he smiled his cute goofy smile. 

“Thanks.”  
Nope, he was definitely not blushing.   
“You … I mean … you looked good that night too. I mean, not that you don’t look good now, just …”  
Wow, what was that? Monty probably just lost his mind, since he wasn’t able to form a coherent sentence.  
But Winston just smiled.  
“Thank you.”

So maybe he was enough. 

“You want to stay over?”, Winston asked out of the blue. 

Monty thought about it.   
“What about your parents?”, he asked eventually because, of course he wanted to stay over but he was once reminded that he didn’t really know Winston and had never even seen the parents or any family member. 

“They are on some business trip. Or vacation. I don’t know.”  
Rich people were weird that way. Always away but having a house, ten families could live in. 

“Okay.”, he agreed and if he was a little insecure about that, Winstons smile definitely made up for it.   
The kisses too but mostly the smile. 

*~*

“Hey, can I ask you something?”, asked Monty and turned his head around to try to make out Winstons face in the dark.   
He could feel his warm, slightly muscled body under his hands and smiled.   
They both were a little sweaty but Monty didn’t care. It was actually a great feeling.

“Yeah, sure. Whats up?”, Winston asked and grabbed Montys hand like it was the most normal and natural thing to do. 

“What about your parents? Where are they?”

Winston sighted and for a few seconds, Monty was scared he said the wrong thing.   
“Actually it’s nothing. They are just away very often and I stopped caring where they went. It’s not like they don’t love me or I don’t love them. We’re just not that warm or close. And if they are away, it doesn’t matter where they are, right. They are not here, that’s the point. Families are fucked up if you ask me.”

Monty nodded. “Right.”  
Theirs more than others but he wasn’t wrong.   
“And do they know? About you being … you know? Gay?”  
Apparently the world did not stop when he said the word. Interesting. 

“Sure. I don’t think they were surprised when I told them. I was always very keen on photographing the sports teams.”, Winston chuckled. “But they are very fine with it, wasn’t really a big deal and now I just am.”

“You’re lucky, you know that?”  
He didn’t mean for that to be said out loud. 

“I guess.”  
He sounded ashamed. Probably because of his rant on his parents earlier. Or because he realized just how lucky he actually was and, in comparison, Monty wasn’t. Or maybe all of the above. 

“Good night.”, Monty said and shut his eyes to sleep, when he could feel a pair of Lips on his own. 

“Good night, Monty. Sleep tight.”, he said and gave Monty another, much longer kiss. 

Maybe he was lucky too. 

Or maybe he wasn’t since the school announced the death of his best friend the day after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the chapter.  
> It was a little darker and sadder but was necessary.  
> I promise, there will be lots of fluff later on!  
> Also, this is about as graphic as it gets in terms of the abuse so nothing to worry about. 
> 
> See you in the comments, you're amazing guys!♥


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Sorry it took me so long but here it is. The chapter we've all hoped to see on TV.  
> Just one hint: Palm Springs!  
> Part one at least. 
> 
> I hope you like it. I'm actually really freaking out about the comments, thank you so so much! I never imagined.  
> Thank you!
> 
> Now have fun reading!  
> Bye! ♥

# Chapter 3

What the actual fuck?   
That couldn’t be true, Monty thought. He was Bryce. Bryce Walker.   
The Bryce Walkers of the world don’t just die at 18. They life a perfectly normal life and die of a heart attack or some shit at age 85. 

The worst part was, that some people actually seemed happy.   
How could a person be happy about the fucking death of a teenager? Even he felt weirdly sad after the announcement of that Hannah-Girls death and he had talked to her like two times.   
Apparently that’s what happens when you’re not a perfectly good person. Monty wondered, if there would be people that would be upset about his own death.   
Not that he was suicidal, just a little curious. 

**Winston:**  
I just heard. Are you okay? 

Well apparently he cared, though Monty had literally no idea why. But maybe this stuff wasn’t something logical but rather some emotional shit. 

**To Winston:**  
Nope.   
He was my best friend. 

He really was.   
The two of them definitely had their ups and downs but they both knew they could count on each other. 

When practice came around, Charlie pulled Monty in a tight hug. Monty liked Charlie. He was very kind but also funny. And a good athlete, maybe a little out of it but definitely in a nice way.   
Diego also hugged him and also whispered some nice words into his ear.   
Nothing of that could stop him from running into the bathroom and throwing up, but it was nice to know that there were people who cared. 

“Monty? Are you alright, bro?”  
Diego, again. 

“He was my best friend.”

“I know.”, Diego said and Monty could feel his hand on his back, slightly caressing him.   
He wanted to shake the hand off, but he couldn’t. It didn’t matter anymore. 

A wet sob came out of his mouth faster than he could react. 

“Come on, Monty. You need to get up.”  
Diegos voice sounded teary. 

Monty nodded and got up, turning his face away from Diego to avoid him seeing his teary eyes.   
But his best friend died. Wasn’t he allowed to cry?   
Probably not, since he had to be strong. A man. 

He washed his mouth and face, while Diego flushed the toilet. 

“Feeling better?”, he asked when Monty turned to him. His eyes still hurt and he felt really tired but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. How could he sleep tight while knowing his best friend would never wake up again?  
His vision got blurry again and his heart felt like it just broke.   
Monty angrily rubbed his eyes and sighted.  
He was not going to cry ever again. 

“Yeah, a little.”, he only half lied in Diegos general direction and walked out of the bathrooms and on the football field. 

Of course he broke down and cried again.   
Of course his father heard and started to beat him with a stick but fortunately he was able to get the upper hand and watched his father pass out in the front yard.   
Unfortunately Clay Jensen and that nosy Ani-Girl saw that. He didn’t even know what they wanted. Didn’t they have anything better to do than literally stalk him and accuse him of murdering his best friend just because he held a stick full of his own fucking blood in his hands?

What the actual fuck.

*~*

The next day, Monty tried to behave as if it was any other. He glared at freshmen, he smiled at some cheerleaders and hoped they would not come over to try and talk to him and he laughed with Charlie and Diego and the guys. 

It was no secret, that Bryce and him had been very close so the team tried their best to distract Monty. It actually worked and he finally started smiling again. At least once. Maybe that was because of a joke Charlie told him on their way to the cafeteria. 

Definitely not because of Winstons text messages. 

**Winston:**  
How are you holding up?

Monty snorted. What did he want to hear?

**To Winston:**  
Okay, I guess. Team’s been distracting me all day.   
You?

**Winston:**  
That’s good. Sounds like good friends to me.   
Tbh, I didn’t really know him but I feel bad for him.   
It was too soon. 

Monty nodded. It really was too soon. 

**To Winston:**  
Yeah. 

Monty didn’t expect a reply after that so he was just about to turn back to Diego and his math homework when he felt his phone vibrating again. 

**Winston:**  
Do you want to come over this weekend?   
My parents are away again… 

Monty smiled.   
The best things were the ones you didn’t expect. 

**To Winston:**  
Of course. Sounds great. 

“What are you smiling about?”

Monty flinched.   
“I … nothing.”

But instead of an investigation, Diego just shrugged. Monty liked that about him. He knew when to shut the hell up.   
“Sure. You know I’m always here though.”

Monty nodded. Diego was a good person but he couldn’t tell him. He wouldn’t. Also, he wasn’t a faggot, so what was there to tell?   
He was a fucking football player and he wasn’t going to give that up. Ever. 

*~*

Winston smiled at him like he was a brandnew Nikon.   
“Hey.”, he said breathlessly and pulled Monty closer. 

“Hi.”, Monty said and didn’t fight Winston.   
Without letting his brain overthink everything, he just leaned closer and pressed his lips on Winstons.   
He really did miss that feeling. 

Winston smiled against his lips and went through his hair with one hand, the other hand on Montys hip.   
“I’ve missed you.”

Monty nodded.   
“Yeah. Me … too.”

What was Winston doing to him?  
One second he was the strong jock and the next he kissed him like some faggot and wanted nothing else than to kiss him some more. 

Winston didn’t really react to Montys confession what Monty was really thankful for.   
Instead he pulled him closer to steal some more little kisses.   
It really felt good, Monty thought, when Winston let go of his lips and grabbed his hand in a gentle way and pulled him through the foyer. 

Monty turned his head to look through the big mirror.   
They looked good, he thought. Like they fitted.   
He still felt a little uncomfortable, seeing himself holding hands with a guy but it was nothing compared to the feeling last week.   
Maybe it was the shirts, or the lack thereof, he thought and let Winston pull him into a big and bright room what probably was the kitchen but now looked like complete chaos. 

“Winston? What’s going on?”, Monty asked carefully and looked around to take a closer look.   
There was flour all over the huge desk and counter and something that looked like dough. A lot of dough. 

“I was thinking that maybe we could … like prepare the … provisions by ourselves.”

“Provisions for what?”  
Did he forget something?   
He mentally scrolled through the text messages he exchanged with Winston. There hadn’t been that many and none of them sounded like a hike or something. 

“I … I well … thought we could drive to Palm Springs. Like a roadtrip. My family owns a little house at the lake. It’s next to the woods so rather private. What do you think?”

Monty thought for a moment. Going on a roadtrip with a guy and sleeping in a lakehouse, probably making a campfire, sounded pretty gay.   
But life is short, he thought and nodded. 

“Your family seriously owns a house in fucking Palm Springs? But sure, though I’m not into golfing.”

Winston laughed.   
“Me neither. But my parents are so you could try it on our driving range.”

“Yeah, not happening.”, Monty said, still wondering just how rich Winstons family was exactly. 

“That’s unfortunate. You look good with a stick in your hand.”  
Winston came closer and laid a hand on his. It felt good but did he really just say that?

“Seriously?”

“Yes!”  
Winston pressed his lips on Montys for a few seconds and smiled at him afterwards.   
“But now we have to work, otherwise we’re going to starve.”

In the end, it took them much longer to prepare the pizza rolls for their trip than Monty thought.   
The first few went great but then Winston started to mock Monty and his throughout preparation of the pizza rolls and Monty threw some flour at him.   
Long story short, the kitchen looked like the Antarctic and both of them needed to shower and change. 

*~*

“Jeez, I really hate mornings.”

Winston smiled but didn’t take his eyes off the road.   
“I heard you the first time. It’ll be worth it.”

Monty nodded. Maybe he had been a little harsh. Winston planned the whole thing and fucking paid for everything and had woken him up with a great kiss and all he did was complaining.   
He inhaled deeply and reached out to Winstons right hand. 

“I’m sorry. This is beautiful and great. I’m just an idiot.”

Winston shook his head and squeezed his hand.   
“Not disagreeing with you but I actually think you just need coffee and breakfast.”

“Thanks, asshole. It’s entirely your fault. You didn’t let me make some coffee.”

“True. I just wanted to get out of this stupid town as soon as possible.”

Monty chuckled. He definitely got that.   
But he also needed coffee and some food in him. Winston, or at least his rumoring stomach, seemed to agree with him and he drove his ridiculously expensive car to the next Starbuck Drive-Through. 

*~*

“Wow. It’s beautiful.”  
He wasn’t lying. The ‘little’ house Winston had talked about looked absolutely stunning and the lake looked quiet. Peaceful. 

“Yeah. I like to come here to think.”

Monty nodded and followed Winston through the door and into one of the bedrooms.   
It looked comfy and Monty could tell that it had been Winston who decorated it because he immediately felt at home. It looked warm and the wood gave the room a holidayish atmosphere.   
It felt like taking vacation from their everyday life. 

After trying their pizzarolls and deciding that they turned out to be better than they expected, they decided to go for a walk and enjoy the beautiful warmth of the afternoon sun. 

After a few meters of just quietly walking and some occasional ‘ohh’s and ‘look there’s, Monty could feel Winstons hand touching and eventually grabbing his.   
Monty smiled and squeezed it back. 

It felt good. He liked the warm hand in his and the light sent of cologne next to him and the occasional deep chuckles made his stomach flutter.   
This was definitely not normal, he thought.   
Banging a guy was one thing but this?   
Everyone acted like they figured out everything. Like there was this instruction on how to live and no one cared to give Monty a copy.   
What was he supposed to do?  
What was he supposed to feel?

“Winston … can I ask you something?”

Winston nodded and caressed his knuckles gently.   
“Of course.”

“What was it like … I mean … how did you know?”, Monty stuttered and tried to not start blushing but of course it didn’t work. But did it really matter? It was just Winston after all and he knew … something. 

“That I’m gay?”, Winston asked but Monty had the feeling he already knew. So why always say the word? Was that some kind of therapy thing?   
Something deep inside of him thought it worked. Maybe.   
He just nodded though. 

“Well … to be honest, it was a long process.”, he squeezed Montys hand. It felt reassuring.   
“I didn’t wake up one day and was sure if that’s what you were thinking.”

He chuckled lightly. Monty nodded. Yeah, that was actually kind of what he was thinking. Not this extreme but Winston didn’t appear to him as someone unsure of himself. At least not about his sexuality. 

“As I said, I really liked photographing the boys sports teams. In the beginning I thought, I just liked taking photos. I mean I do but that wasn’t all of it. I guess I had a crush on one of the players, though I didn’t exactly know it then.”

Winston stopped for a moment. He seemed to try to recall what happened and his face darkened for a second but Monty didn’t dare and ask why. He was afraid of the answer if he was being honest. Afraid that he would recognize himself, or something he did himself. 

“I guess he found out or guessed something along the lines and wasn’t happy about it.”  
He smiled a little sadly and Monty stopped to caress his cheek.   
Winston looked beautiful, especially in that sunlight. His cheeks flushed and his eyes got back the typical happy glamour Monty liked to see. 

“Whatever.”, Winston coughed and smiled a little unsure. He continued to walk after a little chuckle while avoiding Montys gaze.   
“During that time I kind of still looked after girls but rather the ones with a little muscle, especially arms and abs. I also kissed a girl at some kind of middle school party but it wasn’t my thing at all. I’m pretty sure I already knew back then, even before I kissed that girl, but I guess, I wanted to be sure. I came out shortly after that and had my first kiss with a guy roughly half a year later.”

“Thanks.”, Monty said and looked away. 

“Of course. I mean, nothing exactly changed. I’m still into arms and abs, just not into girls.”

“Good to know, I guess.”, Monty chuckled. 

“Yeah.”, Winston just said and smiled again.   
Monty understood him perfectly though. He didn’t feel pressured but he did feel something. Something good, actually.   
He didn’t know how long they walked around the forest and he didn’t really care.   
It felt like forever and no time at all.   
It felt perfect. 

*~*  
Back at the house, Winston was shivering heavily. It had gotten a little cold outside. Not exactly freezing but definitely colder. It was November after all.   
And like the weekend before, Monty couldn’t just sit there and watch Winston being cold, so he pulled over his, comfy and warmed from his body heat, hoodie and offered it to his shivering … someone. 

Winston smiled and took the hoodie without any hesitation. It wasn’t that he immediately got warmer but Monty could sense that he got better. Monty sliding over next to him and hugging him definitely helped along. 

When Winston was all warmed up, they got into the R8 and drove downtown to get Chinese takeout. Monty didn’t expect Palm Springs to have a Chinese takeout restaurant but apparently even the richest of the rich enjoyed fast food. Though he most definitely did not want to know the prices. 

But it didn’t matter. He just looked over to Winston next to him in the car, still wearing his hoodie and holding his hand while he watched him paying for the food in the drive through with something that looked like an American Express.   
It didn’t matter. 

Monty never thought he would be someone to hold hands while driving, someone who liked just looking at a person and be happy.   
Especially not the person being a guy. 

*~*

The food was good but if Monty was honest, he preferred the cheap restaurant two blocks away from his house back home. He and Estela usually take their food and eat it in the Park nearby, just hanging out and talking about anything else than their home life. Happy stuff like friends, sports and movies. 

He looked at the campfire and sighted. Winston had been a little surprised about how good he was at making a campfire but he liked it. He even liked the feeling of Winston staring at him.   
Maybe this all was okay. 

“Are you okay?”, Winston asked. Not looking concerned or sad, just curious. He was holding a blanket.

“Yeah, I was just thinking.”  
Monty waved him over and offered him to sit next to him. What he didn’t expect was Winston to not just sit next to him but literally cuddle all over him. But Monty didn’t mind. It felt good, he thought as he pulled him closer into his arms. 

“Today was amazing, we should do that again.”, Winston mumbled into Montys shoulder and pressed a small kiss against it. At least that’s what it felt like.   
Monty nodded but didn’t know what to say.   
He definitely agreed though. This was the best weekend he had in a long time, maybe ever. 

Because of his lack of a fitting response, Monty lifted his head and turned to Winston, who looked up at the movement. He smiled and kissed him.   
It wasn’t a desperate kiss, not a sexual kiss. It was more of a kiss that meant something, that meant something deep, something they weren’t going to define just yet.   
And they didn’t have to.   
Maybe later, Monty thought, and deepened the kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Let me know what you thought in the comments, please!
> 
> Bye!♥


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.  
> I hope you like this chapter, I'm a bit nervous about this one, you'll see why. 
> 
> This fic is canon compliant so some events had to take place. 
> 
> Warning: I was full on crying while I wrote this. 
> 
> Enjoy and let me know what you think!  
> Also thank you for all those amazing comments ♥ You're great!

# Chapter 4

Wow, this felt really really great. Nothing like the weird kisses at spin the bottle or some other stupid party game.   
Winstons lips felt soft but not too soft. They felt right, like they were supposed to be pressed against Montys. He sighted when he could feel something scratch over his face, like stubbles. But he didn’t mind, on the contrary. It actually felt really good.   
His hands wandered to Winstons hips and pulled him closer so that he was sitting on his lap. Winston cupped his face in his hands and deepened the kiss.   
Winstons heavy breathing gave him chills and some heat inside him. It felt good. 

Monty pulled him a little closer and stiffened when he could feel Winstons arousal against his stomach.   
He didn’t exactly mind but it was still a little weird. Weird that he was experiencing that and weird that this apparently wasn’t something bad.   
Or maybe it was, he wasn’t sure what to think anymore.   
But how could something that felt so fucking good, be something bad? 

Winstons lips let go of his and he tried so move away a little. His face was beet red and he was breathing heavily. Just like Monty.   
“Sorry about that, I…”, Winston said but Monty stopped him with a kiss. 

“Don’t worry, I like it.”

“Me too.”  
Winston smiled at his lips and kissed him again.   
“You wanna go inside?”, he asked somewhat shy but Monty just nodded and lifted him up so they were both standing.   
Winston pulled him inside but not without kissing him once again. 

*~*

The afterglow looked good on Winston, Monty thought. His damp skin shined in the moonlight and his dark, ruffled hair looked perfect. The whole boy next to him looked perfect.   
He pressed a kiss on Winstons jawline and took his hand. He felt like he needed something to hold on to. Or someone.

“I … I know that I’m … you know…”, he stammered and avoided Winstons gaze, maybe afraid of what he was going to say or do.   
But he didn’t say anything. He didn’t say that word Monty was avoiding. He just stayed silent and gently squeezed his hand. It meant that he understood. 

“I think I’ve known for a while now.”  
He finally dared to look at Winston again.   
He didn’t look surprised but Monty hadn’t expected that anyway. He looked rather curious. He also looked calm, unlike Monty who was freaking out.   
Did he seriously just admit that he was…? 

“I mean, I never really had a crush on a girl and maybe I … I don’t know … I was way too interested in working out and checking out the abs of sports stars. Also feeling weird around some guys.”

Monty felt like he’d collapse any second. His pulse was probably at 300 and his palms started to get sweaty. He tried to get his hand out of Winstons grip but he couldn’t. Winston hold his hand steady and placed a kiss on his knuckles.   
This wasn’t supposed to feel this good. He wasn’t supposed to feel that way. 

“What are you so scared about?”, Winston asked. Unknowingly this was the question of the question and Monty flinched. 

“I … my dad would probably kill me if he’d ever found out. Literally.”

This was probably the first time he told anyone about his one big fear. His father. It wasn’t like it was a secret or anything but no one seemed to care.   
Everyone treated it like a minor inconvenience so why the fuck should he tell anyone that he was actually afraid?  
Winston knew, he thought. At least something. Bryce had told him it was one of the things he told him to keep him quiet. 

“Shit. Do you want-“

“No.”  
No, he didn’t want to talk about it or tell an adult or anything else. It wouldn’t do anything good and would do more damage than keeping quiet. He didn’t want Estela to suffer. 

“Okay.”, Winston said, even though he definitely didn’t sound okay. At all. More like on edge to cry but whatever.   
“But you can always come to my house if you want, okay?”

Monty nodded. “Thanks.”

Winston leaned over and kissed him again but Monty stopped him shortly after.   
“Just that you know, I’m not faggy or anything, like girly shit or so.”

“Sure.”

“I’m a footballplayer. I’m a guy.”, Monty added while Winston started to grin. What was he grinning about? 

“That you are.”

“I’m just …”  
Yeah, he couldn’t say it out loud. He couldn’t even think it if he was being honest. How do people do that kind of shit? 

“… into me?”, Winston offered. 

Was he? Into Winston? Yeah, he thought immediately, at least his body was. But the more time he had spent with Winston, the more he got to know and also like him. He felt good and save around him, maybe that was all that mattered.   
“Yeah.”, he answered quietly and avoided Winstons eyes. 

“And that is perfectly fine.”

Winston and his fucking positive mindset. What the hell was wrong with him?   
But was he right? Monty didn’t exactly feel fine but at the same time he kind of did. It was weird. 

“Maybe.”

*~*

The next day, they went out for a walk again right after breakfast. They had to hit the road around noon to get back home in time so there wasn’t that much time left.   
They were doing all the things they couldn’t do back in Evergreen and Monty enjoyed every second of them holding hands, exchanging cute little kisses and just staring into each others eyes. Especially that.

Winstons eyes were beautiful and warm and Monty would never get enough of that beautiful brown.   
He knew he wanted to be able to do that every day, but he couldn’t.   
Why him? 

“We can always come back here if you want.”, Winston said and seemed to sense Montys thoughts. 

He would like that.   
Even though this house was way too big for his liking but he liked what this place represented. 

On the drive back to Evergreen, Monty learned a thing or two about Winston.   
First of all, that he liked to sing in the car. They both gave a concert just for themselves for forty-five minutes straight, ending with Winston coughing and laughing at the same time about Monty messing up his lines.   
They needed to stop the car to drink and stop laughing so Winston would not total his car. 

It was amazing. They were holding hands the whole time.  
Except when they did their second stop on the freeway. They initially stopped because they both needed to pee but instead of a short break, they got caught up in a heavy make-out session in Winstons car for another half an hour. 

Needless to say, they got home way later than they planned and Monty stayed over at Winstons. Again. 

The perfect ending of the perfect weekend. 

*~*

“Montgomery de la Cruz, where the fuck have you been?”

Diego. Of course, who else would smile at him like that at 7:55am on a monday. That guy definitely needed less coffee.   
“I was out. Needed some air.”  
It wasn’t a complete lie. Actually it wasn’t a lie at all. He just wasn’t telling everything. 

“Oh. Are you okay? We could’ve hung out and talk.”

“Yeah, I did enough talking. Thanks.”

“Who did you talk to?”  
Shit. Why wasn’t he thinking before he spoke?   
No one could fucking know. About anything. 

“No one. Leave me the fuck alone.”  
Diego flinched a little and looked sad. He was so emotional, sometimes Monty was jealous about that. He could never show that kind of emotion. He wasn’t a fag.   
No one could find out about him. 

Especially not the guys, he thought while hitting stupid Zach.   
How did he dare to bring up stupid Tyler?   
He didn’t really think Zach or Justin were fucking Tyler but what better way to cover up, well the events of the weekend, than that? 

After High School, he promised himself, he would stop fighting with his fists. Contrary to popular belief, he didn’t like it. At all. It was just the one thing he was good at and let him feel superior. Weirdly it also calmed him down.   
But mostly, he was good at it.   
He had to be. 

*~*

Welcome back to his real shitty life, he thought while he inconspicuously grabbed a brown paper bag out of his locker and walked as normal as possible out of the school building and threw it into his car.   
Apparently the police had found drugs with Bryce or his car or something and now they thought anyone with drugs or steroids was a murderer.   
He didn’t have any illegal substances on his locker or anything, he tried steroids but it wasn’t for him, but there was something else he didn’t want them to find. 

Winstons student ID card, or, more precisely, the fake one he used to cheat on the SAT. Fucking rich kids.   
It was actually planned to be leverage against Winston because of the stuff that happened at that party in the summer but Monty didn’t feel like holding that over his … Winston anymore. It wasn’t fair. 

The only problem was, that the card was gone, stolen from his car apparently, when he came back to his car after school. 

Oh Fuck. 

When Monty thought shit was fucked that day, he didn’t know how fucked shit was going to be. 

*~*

**Winston:**  
I fucked up. 

What was that supposed to mean? 

**To Winston:**  
What? How? 

**Winston:**  
Can we meet? 

What the fuck?   
Monty didn’t really know what to think. He sighted. 

**To Winston:**  
Of course.   
I can come over after school tomorrow. 

**Winston:**  
Okay. 

What the fuck?

*~*

Yes, it got worse. A lot apparently.   
Like Winston fucking outed him to fucking Clay Jensen and that nosy Ani Achola or something. And telling them about him fuckin beating Winston up.   
But literally outing him. 

“You did what?”  
Monty tried to stay calm. Well as calm as one could possibly be in that kind of situation. 

“I …”  
Winstons voice was shaking and Monty had to fight the urge to hug and comfort him with all the strength he had left. 

“Stop talking. I don’t wanna know. Or actually I want to. Because I want you to know that I wanted to give you back that fucking ID. Without telling anyone. Like a decent human being does when told something like a secret. And you damn well know that what happened at that fucking party was a secret. Or at least was supposed to be one.”  
Monty took a deep breath. He needed to calm down.   
In and out. In and out. In and out. 

“They told me, they were your friends. How was I supposed to know that was a lie? They pressured me. They had that fucking ID, it could ruin everything.”

Monty scoffed. Right.   
Fucking Winston wanted to go to fucking Princeton. If that was everything for him, Monty didn’t know if they ever had anything at all.   
“Like that makes it any better.”

“I told them to keep their mouths shut about it.”  
Winston looked scared. Not as scared as in the parking lot two weeks ago but scared.   
And sad. Those fucking puppy eyes.  
Monty looked away. 

“Like you did?”

Winston flinched.   
“Monty, I’m really sorry.”

“Do you really think that the people pressuring you about that ID card and asking nosy questions are really gonna keep their fucking mouths shut?”

“I…”, Winston started but Monty got up and went for the door in Winstons room. He needed to get out of there right now or he’d beat the shit out of something. Or worse: start to cry. 

“You know what? I don’t care. I’m going. Don’t even look at me ever again. Fucking faggot.”

With that, Monty turned around and stormed out of the room and ultimately out of the fucking house and front yard.   
He was not going to cry. Only faggots cry.   
And he wasn’t a fag. He wanted to bang one guy, that doesn’t make him a faggot, right?   
One tear wasn’t crying, how about two?   
Or three.   
It couldn’t have been more than five he thought and stopped counting. 

*~*

Monty hated funerals. Not because of church or some shit, he didn’t care about that. If there would’ve been a god, then he would’ve made his father go away and never come back. Or nicer. Or even neutral.   
He hated funerals because of the people lying about the dead person. And the dead person themselves.   
But today mostly because of the people fucking lying. 

Also, who the fuck appointed Zach to speak on behalf of the football team? He fucking hated Bryce.   
Monty was the one that should’ve stood up there. 

Mrs Walker hugged him as he offered her his condolences. He liked this woman. She had always been kind to him, a little reserved but really kind. He knew she was always telling the staff to prepare his favorite meals when he was staying over.   
She probably liked him too, he guessed, as he was walking over to greet the team in the back of the church. 

He wasn’t sure of it but he might have seen fucking Winston in the church. Not that he would care or anything but what the fuck was he doing there?

Monty also stood up as soon as he saw Bryces Dad sitting down in the front with the family next to Bryces mom. He hugged him and offered his condolences as well. He wasn’t as close with him as he had been with Bryces mom, given him usually being away on business trips, but he did know him well. They were always talking about football and trust.   
He had taught him how to behave at the dinner table without being rude and represented a positive father figure, in a way. 

Fuck he was so fucking sad about Bryce. 

Justin was right, he fucking loved him. But who was he to say that out loud. He wasn’t in love with him or some shit but he definitely loved him as a friend.   
Of course he did, they were hanging out every other day and were talking nonstop.   
Maybe, just maybe, Monty would’ve told Bryce about the thing with Winston. He regretted not telling him sooner. Regretted every single fight they had. Every single minute of them not talking because of some lame shit.   
If he had known, he would’ve done more important shit than just getting stoned or whatever.   
But maybe that was the thing. Just hanging out and laying down and not talking.   
Maybe that was a true friendship.

But what the actual fucking fuck were those stupid girls thinking?   
Jessica and her fucking stupid club. For sure.   
This was a fucking funeral. His fucking mother had been speaking, voice cracking, close to tears. She even said that he wasn’t perfect. So what was the fucking point?   
Didn’t he suffer enough, being dead and shit? Like death being the worst that could happen?   
What the actual fuck, Monty thought.   
He definitely needed a cigarette. And a drink.   
The whiskey he drank with Bryces Mom tasted good, but it couldn’t burn away the feeling. The sadness. 

*~*

Why was everyone telling him that he loved Bryce all of a sudden?  
Like, did Clay and Ani talk or some shit? Did everyone know?   
But how the hell would coach find out?   
It wasn’t like Clay was always talking to their coach or some shit so it didn’t even make sense. At all but still. There was something he didn’t know, he thought. 

He felt like he was going crazy. 

The police arresting Tony fucking Padilla didn’t exactly help. 

Padilla was like a fucking puppy. Always kind of nice and well put together. Except for that one time when the two of them were fighting during the school fight in their junior year but he did provoke him big time. 

So maybe he actually loved Bryce, Monty thought and turned around in his bed. 

It was 3am. He should probably get some sleep or at least a nap.   
It was the weekend but he promised to come over to Diegos and hang out. Maybe he felt bad or needed the company.   
He was going to ask Estela to come along, Diego wouldn’t mind. 

His phone lit up. A new alert, probably a new message, he thought and looked at the way too bright display. 

Facebook: **Winston Williams just liked your photo.**

What?   
Monty clicked on the alert and opened Facebook.   
The picture Winston had put a like on was from fucking two years ago. It was a good picture though. He was sitting at the pool in Bryces house and he was just wearing swimming shorts.   
Monty had a bright smile. In the background he could spot Diego throwing some senior into the pool.   
He remembered that day as if it had been taken yesterday. 

But what the fuck was Winston thinking?   
He opened the messenger on his phone. If he just liked that fucking photo, he had to be still awake. 

**To Winston:**  
What the fuck do you want?

Yeah, that about covered it. It wasn’t like they were on speaking terms or anything.   
He didn’t have to wait long for the response. 

**Winston:**  
Sorry. I was looking through Facebook …

Was he fucking looking him up? At 3am? 

**To Winston:**  
That pic’s 2 years old, asshole  
Are you fucking stalking me, faggot? 

He didn’t immediately hit send but then he did. Why shouldn’t he?   
He wasn’t going to let a fucking faggot stalk him. 

**Winston:**  
I said I was sorry.   
I really am. 

Monty scoffed. Quietly, but he did.  
They both knew it wasn’t about the like anymore. 

**To Winston:**  
Yeah, I bet  
Just leave me alone, fucking faggot.

He shut his phone and rolled over in his bed.   
How was he going to manage to fall asleep after that?   
After the week he had.   
Why was his life the fucked up one?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, don't hate me.  
> I promised a happy ending but I chose to stay as canon compliantly as possible.  
> It had always bugged me that Winston outed Monty, I hated that.
> 
> I checked, Deaken Bluman was credited in the funeral episode. I couldn't exactly spot him but there is one millisecond with a person that could be him. 
> 
> Let me know what you think,  
> Bye♥

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Let me know what you thought in the comments, please! 
> 
> Bye!♥


End file.
